Friday, January 15, 2010

The history of the world, as explained by me as a kid

Here's how I saw world history when I was a kid. Needless, to say, it wasn't very accurate.

65 Million BCE- Dinosaurs die out. This sucks.

2 Million BCE- Humans start appearing. At this point, I was too young to be childish enough to detect any innuendo in the name Homo erectus.

10,000 or so BCE- If Atlantis didn't sink here, it should have.

Some ungodly long number BCE- Çatal Höyük is founded, starting civilization. Sadly, until the invention of Star Wars and Pokemon, civilization remained a pointless endeavor.

Less ungodly long number BCE- Biblical stuff happens. As I was never a particularly religious lad, this was mostly outside my interest. Except Noah's Arc. Holy shit, that story was awesome. I mean, how cool would that be, being on a boat with every animal ever?

Less ungodly long number BCE- Egyptians build big things out of rocks and worship furries. They enslave the Jews at one point, but then Moses unleashes ten plagues (as chronicled in the ancient Hebrew text A Rugrats Hanukkah) and they bugger off.

Around that time- The Greeks build a wooden horse as part of a war over some hot chick. Being one-quarter Greek, I am legally obligated to say that that was awesome.

300 or so BCE- A Greek guy named Alexander rules the world.

0 CE- Jesus is born, which gives us Christmas. As I said, I was never very religious.

A few hundred years CE- Hannibal single-handedly destroys the Roman Empire, with the help of a bunch of elephants he brought over the alps.

800-1000- Vikings kick everybody's asses, until the convert to Christianity. Bunch of pansies. Also, the Crusades start up, but I had no idea that they were religious in nature, since I- until I was about seven or so- believed that Judaism, Christianity, and Greek mythology were the only religions in the world. After I did learn about Islam, I just assumed that Christians and Muslims got along like good friends and would never, ever hurt each other.

1492- Columbus finds the Americas, believing them to be India, because he's an idiot.

1600- The events of Disney's documentary film, Pocahontas.

1776- American Revolution. USA! USA!

186-something- There's a civil war in the US, started because a bunch of fuckwads wanted to keep slaves, and wouldn't listen to Abraham Lincoln, who was pretty much a god. This is, of course, wrong- in real life, the civil war was started by a bunch of fucksticks who wanted to keep slaves, not fuckwads- a very subtle distinction. Also, Lincoln was not a god. He was a son of Zeus, but not a fully divine entity.

1912- The Titanic sinks, getting that goddamned song stuck in my head for hours.

19-something- World War I breaks out, and many people are killed. Unlike most of my countrymen, I was aware of WWI's existence in more than a vague sense, having been taken to the battlefield at Verdun when I was five or six, entrenching the tragedy into my memory. Also, the Romanovs, a bunch of kind and gentle rulers, are killed by Rasputin. Thank you, Don Bluth.

1930- A bunch of cool old movies, but everyone is dirt-poor for some reason.

1940s- World War II breaks out when Hitler decides he wants to rule the world. Not being Greek, he's obviously not cut out for the job. He gets the Japanese and Italians to help him- for reasons poorly explained- and then he kills himself when the heroic Americans come charging into Berlin. He also kills Jews, for some reason. Having grown up in both Germany and Japan, and being a regular of Italian restaurants, I couldn't possibly fathom why these nice people would start a war.

1960s- Hippies and awesome music. Also, the US and the Russians hate each other for no adequately explored reason. I mean, what the hell, guys? You were on the same side fighting the Nazis, right? You should be best buddies, like the Christians and the Muslims!

1970s- Reagan is impeached for cheating in an election. Confusing Nixon and Reagan would be a problem of mine until I was about fourteen. On the plus side: Star Wars is released, vindicating civilization.

1991- I am born, thus starting the 'important' stage of history.

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