Rejected Plot Twists for the Final Season of Lost

So, I just got back from a visit with the producers of ABC's hit series Lost. We got to talking, as producers of pop cultural phenomena and unknown Internet personalities are wont to do, and the conversation turned towards the plotlines that they had decided to not use for the final season. I have since been given permission to share these scrapped stories with the Internet. Read on, gentle reader, and learn what is absolutely NOT going to happen in Season 6 of Lost.

1: Walt will save the day in the final episode, leading an army of polar bears.

2: It will be revealed that Christian Shephard is not only Jack and Claire's father, but the father of every other character on the show.

3: The Island is in fact the body of a dead Great Old One.

4: Jacob is revealed to be Gilligan, and his enemy is the Skipper.

5: Richard Alpert is, after a series of fake-outs, shown to not actually be Batman.

6: Vincent is the Monster.

7: There will be a musical episode, a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer. One of the songs was going to be a solo by Hurley, entitled "Why does all this Shit Keep Happening to Me?"

8: In an epic feat of product placement, the survivors are going to be rescued by a freighter hauling Coca-Cola.

9: The main villains of the show are revealed to be Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, and JJ Abrams. The final battle will take place in ABC's offices, after the characters break out of the television.

10: The final scene will show that the entire series was just a dream by John Locke, who wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette.